What would make a married man of 20 years tip out on his wife? Why would a woman date a “bad boy” who does not give her the treatment she deserves? There are a myriad of answers to these questions, but one answer is that our bad choices in relationships are due to the fact that attraction isn’t a choice—or is it? Like iron is drawn to a magnet, a moth to a flame, and a bee to a flower, we are drawn to certain people; so is the principle of attraction. Neither the iron, the moth, nor the bee chooses to be attracted to the thing it is drawn toward. It just is. This attraction comes from deep within. Like a moth to a flame, sometimes what we are attracted to has the potential to burn us.Do you remember the first time you saw that special someone and you smiled? For just a moment you couldn’t tell up from down and your head began spinning around. It was as if you temporarily lost control and you were on a trip until you finally got your grip. Do you remember when you were with that person and just being in their presence made you feel high, and when you had to depart—you left with a sigh? What you experienced was the release of a mood-altering chemical in the brain called dopamine. The irrational feelings that are felt in the midst of attraction are due in part to dopamine, which is also the chemical the brain releases in response to pain. When we take a look within ourselves, we see that part of our attraction is due to this physiological response, but some of it is mental and emotional. We refer to the mental and emotional part of our attraction as our relationship paradigm. Our relationship paradigm comprises the attributes, qualities and things that our mind perceives to be attractive. We form this paradigm in our minds, which over time, becomes part of our emotions. When we see someone that meets our paradigm, it triggers our subconscious mind and the attraction process begins with the release of dopamine. Everyone has a different paradigm of what they perceive is attractive. Since this paradigm is unique to each person, we should not be offended when a person is not attracted to us, nor should they be offended when we are not attracted to them. One of the reasons that some women ignore handsome men and some men do not respond to beautiful women is because although they may be physically attracted to the individual, that person is outside their paradigm. Therefore, they feel no need to act on the attraction.The French term jen ne se quoi in essence means that thing. It is used to describe that special quality that makes people uniquely attractive. What does a married man of 20 years do when his wife no longer has that jen ne se quoi but his young colleague at work does? What does a woman do when she is in a relationship with a “bad boy” who mistreats her, but she feels the dopamine high in his presence? Each of them has to realize that attraction isn’t a choice, but what they do about their attraction is.We must remember that just because someone meets our relationship paradigm does not mean that they meet God’s relationship paradigm. Will we choose to be in horizontal relationships that make us feel good or vertical relationships that line up with God and His purpose for our lives? Each of us will be faced with that choice in life. Which will you choose?
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